Facing the Difficult

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.

- Proverbs 27:6, NLT

Along my way I have learned many things which helped me get to a healthy state and then greatly improved my chances of maintaining that state of recovery. Almost none of these lessons could have been pieced together on my own but had been pointed out by others. This concept in and of itself is a noteworthy idea: that a certain amount of growth and wisdom cannot occur outside of healthy community. It is a fanciful notion to believe that we are self-sufficient, but the reality of this life is those who live alone, fail to grow. We all have blind spots in our lives, and mine have been both numerous and well-entrenched. I am grateful for the community around me which has provided timely encouragement, correction, and wisdom whenever I needed it most.

Throughout this process, perhaps one of the most important lessons I have learned is that the existence of our bad habits and addictions relies upon our unwillingness to engage in the emotionally difficult things in life. Over time I have been forced to develop a spirit which is not just willing to take on emotionally difficult things, but one which is also getting better at it. Prior to me finally addressing my bad habits and addictive behavior, the modus operandi that marked my life was to use humor to disarm tense situations, to forego entire relationships instead of confronting unhealthy behavior, and to avoid being transparent about my struggles because of the discomfort it would surely bring. Avoidance is rich soil for addictive behaviors to thrive.

We typically call this procrastination, and it’s something we all struggle with to a certain degree. We check the easy things off our list and save the hard things for later; but later never comes. We gravitate towards those people who are encouraging in nature and take a wide berth around those who are critical of us until we are prepared to handle it; but that preparation is perpetual and we find ourselves living in a vacuum of encouragement. Procrastination, at its root, is an avoidance of the uncomfortable things in life and is a major contributor to the unwanted habits which imprison us. So, let’s take just a second and talk about the two most common emotionally difficult things we all tend to avoid that actually fosters an addictive behavior to grow.

1. Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries is a difficult thing to navigate in life because our culture has a tendency to shout down anyone who talks about walls and exclusivity. “Jesus loved everyone,” they say. “And so should you.” This one poignant idea has become a poison to the lives of millions – the notion that the love of a person and acceptance of their behavior are mutually inclusive. Not only is the implementation of healthy boundaries typically excluded from the repertoire of teachings in our normal development, but we are actively discouraged from having them in our lives.

The reality is that nobody on this earth has absolute and exclusive rights to our lives, even our spouses. This might sound wrong on the surface, but let’s look at it up close. Should those experiencing spousal abuse allow the abuser to remain in their lives, unhindered? Should a betrayed spouse be forced to allow physical intimacy when they do not feel safe to do so? It might sound like we are obeying the command to be loving when we do so without boundaries, but doing so is placing ourselves on the altar of others’ actions.

I’m sure you wouldn’t let a stranger wielding a knife into your home or to sleep on your couch, yet we often allow people with harmful behaviors into our lives with no plan to safeguard ourselves. Putting boundaries in place is not, in and of itself, an unloving endeavor. In fact, it is quite possibly the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves. Care must be taken to implement boundaries in ways that promote the health of everyone in the relationship, which is where things get difficult. This leads us to point number two.

2. Having Hard Conversations

Hard conversations are hard. Period. I have yet to meet a single person who enjoys having hard conversations, and only a handful throughout my entire life who have some degree of skill in doing so. This is despite the fact that hard conversations are a necessary part of life. Truett Cathy, the founder of Chick-Fil-A famously said, “food is essential to life, therefore make it good.” I would argue that having hard conversations is also essential to life, therefore we need to get good at it.

We cannot be successfully married without having difficult conversations about finances, unmet needs, or parenting tactics. We cannot have intimate friendships without also having difficult conversations about hurtful behaviors when they arise, or pointing out areas for growth in each other. Difficult conversations are simply a part of life, so we might as well get better at it. Many of us, myself included, spend the majority of our time strategizing how to avoid or delay the emotionally difficult things in life, however, and not only does this stunt our growth but enables our bad habits and addictive behaviors to continue.

By contrast, when we decide to develop the bold spirit and skills necessary to have these challenging conversations, we are also building the skills necessary to address our own shortcomings and behaviors. Are you avoiding a friend group because one member has a short temper or says harsh things? Perhaps it’s time to sit down with them over a cup of coffee to share how they’ve been impacting you. Do you have a relative whose vocal opinions has a tendency to divide the family? Instead of avoiding Christmas this year, what if you found a way to tell them what impact their words have had on you?

As we develop the skills that are required for implementing healthy boundaries and having hard conversations with those we care about, our ability to also address the unhealthy cycles at-play in our minds will also improve.

Reflection:

1. What’s one difficult thing you’ve typically avoided?

2. What step can you take to address it today?

For more information on finding freedom or to see what Josh is up to, pick up your copy of The Field Guide to Freedom and subscribe to his blog.