Freedom is a Team Sport

Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:2, ESV

Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.

Proverbs 27:6, NLT

For most of us, breaking a bad habit is attempted in the stillness of our own thoughts. We place a bet and then vow to ourselves never to do it again. We watch porn only to survive yet another round of guilt and shame. We drink too much and can’t remember what happened last night, and through our headache we make a solemn promise to ourselves that we are done drinking forever.

This process of regretting bad decisions is good; in fact, it’s necessary. Breaking free from bad habits cannot be done without first expressing the desire for change. If a desire for change was all it took to actually change, however, none of us would ever gamble away our paycheck, drink too much, return to porn yet again, or eat an entire package of Oreos in one sitting (yes, it is possible). For anyone who’s ever broken their own promises of behavior modification, we all know that simply desiring change isn’t enough.

This is because when it comes to habit formation and breaking bad ones, behavior modification isn’t the goal. Modifying our behavior is a byproduct of the goal, and the goal is to be living in authentic community. Here’s why:

None of us were born self-sufficient. Even while still in the womb we relied on our mother for nutrition, as a baby we relied on our parents or a parental figure for the physical necessities like food and warmth, and the emotional necessities like love and safety. As we grew into toddlers, we began to explore what self-sufficiency looked like so that by the time our teen years arrived, we had the naïve belief that we ARE self-sufficient. It usually isn’t until our 30s do we realize that we are woefully self-insufficient. And by that time, the notion that we were self-made has taken root.

The reality is that we were all formed in community. For better or worse - or perhaps a better way to say that is for better and worse – we were profoundly impacted by those around us. Study after study shows that what we think of ourselves and others is primarily impacted by our nuclear family. Those closest to us shape our belief system and behavior in very real ways. And yet, somewhere along the way we all tend to believe the lie that those communally based subconscious adjustments can only be corrected in isolation. Nothing could be further from the truth. We were formed in community and therefore we must be healed in community.

Naturally, not all of our formative experiences were positive. For many of us who are now exploring what makes us tick, memories of rejection, the never-fulfilled pursuit of acceptance, or of outright abandonment dominate the emotional landscape of our minds. None of these – the most emotionally charged, unpleasant moments of the human experience – happen in isolation. Yet, we believe the lie that the damage caused by those moments can only be healed in isolation. This single lie – that we alone have the power to heal the wounds inflicted on us by others – has done more damage to the collective human psyche than perhaps any other. We were hurt in community and therefore we must be healed in community.

The third reason why the goal in breaking bad habits is not behavior modification directly but to live in authentic community is that we all have blind spots. If behavior modification is the goal and you are successful on your own in breaking a habit, you will at best break one habit. If this is you, I say well done. It truly is a monument to the indominable human spirit when someone defies their own insatiable desire for something and forms a new, healthy habit in its place.

However, you have now - at best - broken one habit. At worst you have also reinforced the lethal belief that you are strong enough to live entirely self-sufficient. Like a toddler saying, “I do,” this mentality leads to future attempts of doing things on our own while simultaneously refusing help, which in the realm of breaking bad habits will inevitably lead to a string of failed attempts. This idea - that we are so self-aware and self-sufficient – is like driving on the highway, blissfully unaware of your car’s blind spots on either side of you. It works just fine until suddenly it doesn’t. This is why we need to live in community with others. We need the help of other people who have visibility into our lives to lovingly point out the warning signs of our beliefs and behavior, and to help us course-correct when needed. If we don’t, it’s only a matter of time before our blind spots cause a wreck of tragic proportions.