Stop Shoulding on Yourself

About ten years ago I made an innocuous run to the grocery store so I could return a Redbox DVD and avoid a late fee. If you don’t know what a Redbox is then hopefully this doesn’t make me old and irrelevant to you. It was an otherwise mundane Tuesday night and I left the house saying, “I’ll be right back” to my wife. As I approached the parking lot, I noticed there was a long line at the nearby traffic light, so I made the decision to enter the parking lot not at an intersection but at a break in the median where I would then have to cross three lanes of traffic. It was my entrance of choice for this particular grocery store because I am so impatient that I prefer to play frogger across three lanes of traffic than to wait for a traffic light to turn green.

Traffic was heavier than normal on this particular night and I patiently waited for a driver to let me through the line of cars so that I could inch my way out across the remaining two lanes of road. When I did so and entered the final lane, the back end of my SUV got clipped by a car that I did not see coming. After several dizzying rotations, my car landed a few dozen feet away and I got out to begin surveying the damage. The night was dark and the passersby all blankly stared at the wreckage, which quickly became illuminated by the flashing glow of red and blue lights. As I stood there looking at my car, which was now precariously perched atop the hood of a third, completely innocent car, my mind began to cycle through the usual suspects of “should” statements.

I should have seen that car coming.

I should have entered the parking lot at the traffic light.

I should have just stayed home.

I should have known better.

This never should have happened.

Similarly, when my life fell apart from my affairs, I spent a lot of time wishing things were different and telling myself and others that this never should have happened. Furtively trying to make sense of it all, I wished that I could go back in time and convince my past self like the ghost of Christmas future to urgently change course. I longed to have a restored marriage. I wished that the shame I felt crushed beneath would be removed from me. I wished to clear my name and for others to see that I was not a bad man.

This. Never. Should. Have. Happened.

Facing thoughts and statements like these is an essential part of the grieving and recovery process, but it is only part of it. Eventually we need to stop shoulding on ourselves, accept reality, and start finding real answers as to why things happened the way they did. It is only through this exploration that we will finally bring closure and prevent ourselves from ever repeating the same car crash. This is not an attempt at conjuring up excuses for our behavior but a way for us to examine the reasons behind them, and to take active steps to prevent them from returning. In his book Unwanted, Jay Stringer posits that all unwanted behavior can be traced back to patterns that were established in childhood. He says,

“We look to the past not to find excuses for reprehensible behavior but because narrative holds the key to unlocking destructive patterns and implementing all future change.”

But how do we do this? How do we shift from simply shoulding all over ourselves and embark on an honest exploration of how we got here? Here’s a few ideas:

1. In counseling – The first and most obvious answer to this question is the same answer that most people dread. Finding a Licensed Professional Counselor to help you sift through some of your current day behavioral and thoughts patterns can be incredibly helpful in identifying the often-forgotten moments in our lives that have served to shape us into who we are and how we got here. You can start with a simple google search for Licensed Professional Counselors nearby and filter your search results from there based on whatever criteria you want.

2. In community – For many of us, the term “church hurt” is very real. Wounds inflicted by the church tend to run deep and serve only to drive us further into isolation. The reality, however, is that we weren’t hurt in isolation and nor can we be healed in isolation. Finding a small group of like-minded people who are willing to take a long look at each other’s lives can provide the right environment for you to begin understanding how you got here. If you don’t currently have a church, you can start by simply googling churches near you. If you do have a church, you can start by asking the pastor(s) how to join a small group.

3. With God – This might seem like the Churchie answer, but I really believe it works. Carving time out of our day to pray, sit in silence, read scripture, and to journal can be used to help you understand yourself better. All that is required is the intentionality to reserve time in your calendar for God, and the courage to ask Him to reveal things to you. You can start with a simple 30 minutes per day, select a reading plan on the Youversion Bible app, and journal about whatever is on your heart.

Whether it’s a DVD return that cascaded into a car accident or a life and family that are now left smoldering from the flames of a bad habit, we must all take an honest look at our lives and begin understanding how we got here. To do anything less is to simply accept continued shoulding on ourselves.

And nobody likes getting should on.